It's better this way
by Alkyonides Meres
Summary: "Because, in a realistic world, choices have to be made and those with power will always choose themselves." Hinata goes to her first seduction mission with horrid results. No pairings.


_**A/N Because, in a realistic world, choices have to be made and those with power will always choose themselves.**_

_**Warnings: AU, ages are 18, OOC Naruto, OOC Hinata, no pairings. Miscarriage is the theme, if you can't bear it, then you shouldn't read. No real pairings. Many mistakes, I fear. Do point them out in your reviews.**  
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_**Disclaimer: I own nothing..! Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.**_

_**Edit : Reuploaded because.. well because I can mostly :D**  
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She woke up, choking on her tears again.

It wasn't unusual anymore, it was even somewhat expected nowadays. Still the lavender eyed Hyuuga could not control herself as she hunched over, her frail arms hugging her knees close to her as violent sobs took over her.

This wound hasn't healed in time. It only had festered, deep in her chest (asphyxiating her and leaving room in her heart for nothing else but this overwhelming pain), turning her from a sweet angelic girl into a bitter shell of a woman.

She hated everything.

She hated _him_.

Although logically, he was not to blame (for she is a kunoichi of the leaf, and regret is not part of the description) her heart refused _refused _to take the blame on this, because he'd known (the fucker had _known_).

He'd known how completely and utterly in love with him she was. So if he'd asked her she would have handed him the world at his feet with a fucking smile.

_But not anymore._

Because she was a kunoichi first and a friend (Hinata) second, so he sends her to this cursed mission with a grin, a pat, a hurried farewell and a haunted good luck.

_I have faith in you._

He condemns her to succeed.

She had never meant for her first time with a man to be so filled with doubt, yet heart warming and even a bit sweet. Not that the man himself was cruel, no, he was a boy of twenty three, older than her, with shadows in his eyes from love long lost and she knew that he was using her to forget another woman.

Still he'd said he loved her after three months together.

And without her realising she came to believe to love him as well. She came to love him, because she didn't want to waste her precious first time to a man she would feel nothing for (because he was the first to ever gaze at her and trully say he wanted her).

How utterly, disgustingly foolish.

In the end her boy (he was never yours) was only a boy of twenty three and he _was _using her and Hinata gets slapped hard in the face of reality with a rejection soon after her (theirs) first time and a cruel smile and even harsher words

_But let's continue fucking like this, ne?_

because he is a man and men are fucking beasts to the women they do not love.

It makes killing him (slaughtering him) easier.

_He _had warned her that her target was a manipulative, cruel sort of man, had tried to make her a bit more aware but ultimately had sent her hoping that she would get attached so she (so weak and shy) would have a better chance at killing him.

_He has a thing for virgins in love you know._

So her Hokage had sent her to willingly sacrifice her body and her heart to a man deserving neither. (For she is a kunoichi of the leaf and he her Hokage, cunning and willy as a fox, trying desperately to prove his worth)

Collateral damage to a greater goal, eh Naruto-kun?

However, that she could survive (she is a kunoichi), from that could have gotten up again.

However the horrid aftermath, she never would survive.

_They also stole her soul you know._

A month had passed and her monthly cycle had not occured. She was a bit concerned, but did not pay much attention, with her training regime, such occurences were a bit common.

Two months and no sign of it and she gets worried.

She has a right to it.

Because deep in her womb there is a child, born from her one time with a man she had to have loved (when really she didn't) from a mission made by a man she had to have loved (she didn't know anymore) and without any consent from her. For the first time in years she is _petrified_.

However, destiny is cruel _cruel __**cruel**_. For not even a week after learning the terrible (great) news and figuring out how she feels about the whole thing (she wants _wants __**wants **_it) a sharp pain in her lower back makes her collapse on her bathroom floor. She clutches her belly in despair as she howls and bits back her cries while starting to listen to horrible _horrible __**horrible**_

drip _drip __**drip**_

her tiles are painted red, her hands are painted red her world is now _forever painted in red._

She screams.

A day later a relieved (relieved?) Sakura informs her of her misscarriage in an almost unconcerned manner (not because she is cruel) and tells her_ it's better this way _(it's because she cannot understand). She hides her eyes beneath dark bangs and without a word she leaves, clutching her empty (_empty_) belly.

A month of complete detachment later she moves on her own house, away from the Hyuuga mansion. When she first steps foot in her small _small _home (just enough for two she thinks, for her and a bundle of.. _nothing_) she stays frozen and unsure.

She opens her arms and stares down at them, at how thin, pale and empty they look.

She falls on her knees and screams for the life she never got the chance to birth.

She screams and sobs and breaks (_shutters_) because this is not an issue of self worth and teenage angst and self respect, this is a real, harsh reality, unchanged, like the fact that she will never hold this child, that she had never had the time to properly wait for it and now she does not even have the right to mourn it because _it is fucking better this way_.

_It is it is it is come on come on __**BELIEVE IT.**_

Who would want a bastard child of an enemy nin, who would look at her and not think of

_Fucking disgraceful!_

But she.. Hinata had wanted that child in the few days she had learned of it's existence, had dremt of it at nights, of waking up and finding two sleepy, lavender eyes full of love staring back at her, a warm body she could cradle close to her, a little bundle of warmth filled with her and only her.

She had even made sure she got a house for _them_.

_It would be us against the world little bird._

Now, all she has left is an aching sadness, a hole in her chest nothing can quite fill again.

She had tried, bedding other men, getting close to someone else, for relief, for companion, something. Nothing ever worked, for she could not trust, because if _he (her sunshine, her anchor) _could send her to hell so willingly

_he has a thing for virgins in love. You are a virgin, right Hinata-chan?_

_And surely you can love anyone, ne? _

then every other man can do her worse. (For less than securing the council's approval of making the right desicions, despite their harshness).

Victims, the lots of them, in the power plays of them above.

Hungry hungry Naruto-kun, needing to make it there, only a minor setback, a minor mission..

_Come on. Send the Hyuuga heiress to a seduction mission. All kunoichi do them, she can't afford to avoid it anymore. It's good practice for them, they are bred for these missions Hokage-sama. This one for instance. If you get him out then you're good to go. However, if you're unwilling to discipline your ninjas.. well then.._

That was two years ago.

Two years in which she had not looked at Naruto with love again (with no emotion), in which she has scorned, hated and ridiculed everyone close to her, for she is hurting and this wound will never ever close and does not want it to close, for it disrespects her and everything she came to aknowledge.

So who gives a fuck if Sasuke is lost, if Shikamaru may be taken away from a Sand bitch, if Neji does not notice those around him, if Naruto is uncontrolable these days

_and really Hinata-chan talk to him, he doesn't, hell, I don't know what he ever did to you._

Fuck them and their petty petty little problems, because at nights when she wakes up cold and alone and so so very hollow, there is nothing (no thought) to hold her together.

At nights she is alone with herself and she can't bear to listen to her thoughts, to her despair drowning her, because if she wasted her first time for him and _he hadn't even spared her a sorry_

if she lost her child, _a child no one but Sakura knew of_

then that must mean Naruto never cared to begin with

her child hadn't wanted her to begin with

because she was a failure at this and this too

_she she she_...

She is going _crazy batshit insane _here.

Hinata stares at her pale, thin,

_empty_

arms in a heartbreaking complaint.

She had always wanted to be a mother.

_But it's better this way._

For who, she doesn't ever want to know.

_(Damn you. _The words echoed in the silence of her room.)

_A/N to my excuse, I think that when you become leader of a shinobi village, hard choices are inevitable, as well as major changes. I hope I have not insulted anyone with this._


End file.
